My lovely Sister…I have been so out touch, so self-absorbed, so busy and preoccupied, but so very lonely for you. It seems as though it has been months since I have found any excitement in anything that I have done, even now as the very first glimpses of sanity begin to return I feel I don’t want to say too much, I may jinx the possibility of happiness.

The winter months have never been kind to me, and I have been lucky for the past few years to avoid the blues, mostly by escaping in the nick of time to some exotic destination where satisfaction did not need a search, but this past season has taken its toll, for I felt death come in on fierce wind, knocking me to the floor…only now that I begin to awaken do I see the cause of the fall.

I have struggled greatly with my own ego and its very existence. Confusing me as a friend, I forgot the strength of this foe. And just for a moment, I was unprepared for the depth of challenge it was now providing me. I could do nothing right, never say the right thing, go to the right place, express any fair emotion, I have been consumed by the dark night, and found some sort of comfort in its familiarity. It pains me to say that, but it is true. Happiness, it seemed, was to be avoided at all costs.

I have felt such guilt for the thoughts and feelings; my life is that of one to be envied, why did I not have peace? I could hear my own voice in my head, the teacher voice, speaking to a room full of eager students, each one hanging on to every word I shared, I speak of the mind and ego and keeping it at ease. Letting go of the attachment that is created by fear, stand strong in the nature of your true identity, that of the eternal soul, that which is complete and whole in its own awareness.

Their wide and accepting eyes gaze at me and the wisdom I share, looking at me as if I know everything that they are fiercely searching for; they do not see that I am just as they are: seeking and searching for the same contentment in my soul, the only difference between they and I is that I happen to have the handbook and can recite it verse by verse.

Now, the winds are changing, the spring is coming. The daffodils have come alive, a beautiful sunny yellow, the surest sign of a new beginning; I have them scatted about the house, in vases, jars, water glasses, nothing can take their beauty away. They are teaching me so much right now.

I myself have been a wandering flower for many years now, and now as I toil the soil of my new home and root down, planting myself in fresh and foreign earth I have experienced the natural death that is sure to occur when replanting is the task. We can easily forget the most obvious lesson of the land and seasons…there is a time for everything, a time for the earth, a time for the seed, a time for water and sun and then a spontaneous time when the sprouting begins and new life is born.

So I have planted my first garden, just a few herbs, lettuce, kale, tomato’s and such. Something seems to be screaming at me from the inside to see that something really does come from nothing at all. A pin drop of a seed, placed in soil and sunlight, add water daily…this is now the source of life for me. Nurturing these tiny plants that will feed me and provide me with the Prana I need to nourish my soul. It is beyond metaphorical. It is a gift from Spirit to teach me, to teach me patience, understanding, compassion, and love, the Recipe for Growth.
Love, Anjili

Samata Digital